Friday, August 15, 2014
I've been a bit stressed, lately. Hence me not giving any thought to the blog. I just don't have the mental resources for it right now.
Anyways, my friend and her husband are staying with me and my boyfriend right now. We're helping them get on their feet. Well my friend's mom, who has been watching their son, went crazy about them wanting to move their son out here. She freaked out on them, said they only care about money, etc. Consequentially, they no longer felt comfortable leaving their son with my friend's mother. I don't blame them. I wouldn't be comfortable with that, either.
So I dropped the $350 it would take to get their son here with us. I didn't even think twice about it. This is where I get screwed over. I miscalculated where my finances are, and ended up with a negative balance in my account. Well, different charges that posted to my account left me with 3 separate overdraft fees. I am currently sitting at $-100. I don't get paid for another week. I'm helping to support a household of 4 adults and 1 full-time kid, with 2 others on occasion.
I can see why I'm stressed. We have enough food in the house, and cash to stretch until my next pay day. But even then, I am going to be working on less money than I had planned on. We will likely be recovering from this blow for a couple of months. And hopefully it doesn't happen again in the coming months.
Things should be easier come October, when I get an "extra" pay check. I get paid bi-weekly, so that month just happens to fall so I get three instead of two, in which case, I have about a half of a paycheck worth of money extra.
But as it turns out, my boyfriend and I are expecting a child. And I need to come up with $6000 within 30 weeks in order to afford the midwife I want. (Charges patient up-front, then submits to insurance for re-reimbursement.) So every spare penny we can come up with goes there, followed by a car seat, we'll need to figure out new transportation that will carry all of us, unless we want to continuously use two vehicles when going places together. And then an all-new stash of cloth diapers, clothing, etc. (All that can be used, except for the car seat.) So I currently have NO idea where all this money will come from. And I'm freaking out. It doesn't help that I'm a hormonal wreck and at the point where I eat all the food. Pretty soon that'll be throw up all the food, so I guess my body figures it'll get the calories in while it can.
I could use a bit of sanity. Anybody have any extra laying around somewhere? Should I just pray to the Gods and play the lottery? That method is proved to work, right?
Hope y'all are in better places than we are right now.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Mondays suck. Yesterday was the epitome of suckiness. It seemed like nothing could go right. I couldn't connect to my work server, my boss was out of the office, and the IT guy never answered my voice mail. So I got a whopping nothing done. I feel wonderful about that, especially with a deadline fast approaching. Then, I dropped a box and had two of my three favorite bowls break, as well as the ceramic for a fancy crock pot. I cried about that. Later, I realised I lost my fitbit, which means I'm out 100-some-odd dollars if I don't find it. I cried about that.
Then I just gave up on the world, then. I was done. I went off on my own, read, cried some more. Every little thing just came crashing down on me.
And I have no idea where this post is going. I have a whole list of topics I have written about in the past and want to revisit, or that I want to write about, or learn about and then share that with you.
I have a few things planned, once money kicks back up again. Separation is difficult. Now I have two people to care for (plus the boyfriend and his two kids, slightly) on one income, rather than three people on two incomes.
One of these is getting my septum pierced. This will happen, soon. The next, which I'm unsure of when it will happen, is the main tattoo that I want. It is a full back piece. I have most of it sketched out, somewhere, if I can ever find it. I just don't know what happened to those sketch books at this juncture in my life. I have moved so much. Everything is just jumbled around. Between my shoulders will be a Thor's Hammer, and down towards my lower back will me a Valknut. Connecting the two will be Yggdrasil, the world tree.
It will be an expensive piece. And so many other things come first, sadly. But I refuse to put something like that ahead of housing and food for my family.
I still don't know where this is going, and I'm just rambling, now. I haven't slept all that well in a few days, and it is taking its toll. Maybe I'll get more organised sometime today.
Hope y'all are well.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Friday, August 1, 2014
And hel, that may be the case. But if it means something to you, that is really all that matters. If you take some kind of symbolism from an experience, and it helps you get your mind on track or figure something out, don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
I have had 3 signs, in the form of an animal showing up in my life, that I feel may have been sent by the Gods. Who knows if it is just me seeing something and making something out of nothing. But it has always been a nudge forward and helped me get back on track.
My first sign, it was shortly after my husband had assaulted me. I was doing the whole single mom thing for the first time. I was drowning in daily life. Barely making it through. I saw a hawk on the side of the road eating its prey. Now that isn't something you see very often. A hunting bird will usually take its kill elsewhere, and not less than a foot from a busy road. I took this to be a sign from Frigg that everything is going alright, and to just push through. I, at that time, found my strength in Frigg's love and was reminded to nurture myself and my son.
Later, a few months after that, I was driving around on some winding back roads and two ravens (or possibly very large crows, but I doubt it) landed in the middle of an intersection directly in front of me. I had to slow my vehicle down until they flew off. (I should get a bumper sticker that says "I brake for Ravens" with a Valknut on it, or something.) This I took to be a sign from Odin. I had been straying from faith, not thinking much of anything. I was in a depressive state, still barely making it through the day. It was a kick in the ass that I needed to get back in gear.
Most recently, there was a snake in the yard. It slithered off as quickly as it could the second it saw me. Now, this I don't think of necessarily as a message from the Gods, but I think it was a message. Loki is punished by being placed under a snake (or a serpent) and having the venom drip on him. Snakes are the bad guys. Chaos. Keep in mind my post from yesterday. I am living in chaos right now. We're slowly getting rid of it, but it is going. It has to.
Something, something, ties everything up.
Signs are what you make of them. If it's important to you, it is up to you to figure out what it means. Nobody else can do it for you, I've learned that much. They are tools at your disposal to keep you on track with where you're going in life.
Me? I'm headed somewhere good. Not entirely sure where/what that is just yet. But I'll get there. Meanwhile, I'm just along for the ride.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
I think I have mentioned that I just moved all of my stuff to my boyfriend's house, which was already packed full of even more stuff. Well most of what I own is in boxes, and they're stacked wherever we could find room. Well, my best friend is moving to the area, and will be crashing at our place for a while until her and her husband can get set up on their own.
Did I also mention my boyfriend has his two kids this week? Three kids, 9, 7, and 2. And four adults. This is quite a small home. That in and of itself would be chaotic. But add in the mix of everything being out of place. It's damn near an episode of hoarders, with 9 cats (two adults, and two litters of kittens). Thankfully, the cats will be brought to a local no-kill shelter today or tomorrow.
But chaos is a good thing. It is a catalyst for change.
This had me thinking about Loki not too long ago. So many people view Loki as an evil god. He isn't. He gets into trouble, and often brings the other gods along for the ride. But everything generally turns out just fine in the end, usually with some kind of bonus. Loki's presence is very important, as is chaos. It moves us forward, propels us to new things.
On the flipside, however, too much chaos will lead to depression, anxiety. Everybody has their limits. Chaos generally creates stress, which wears down the human mind and body fairly quickly.
My boyfriend and I are working until late every night in order to get the house back up to running standards. Clean, orderly. Effective. We've had our setbacks, but it's progress. We both work long days, there is always at least one kid underfoot. We put them to work where we can, but that is not always the case.
I feel the effects of this chaos keenly. I am very sensitive to it. I am tired all the time, and my body hurts.
I look forward to the time when all we have to do is work and basic upkeep in our home. Until then, I will push through. Perseverace is important. And I will do it for my son, for my boyfriend, but most importantly for myself. Because I'm no good to anybody when I can barely function on my own.
I'll be meditating on the rune Uruz for it's strength and persistence. I'm hoping I can pull some of that for my own use.
Until next time.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Only problem is I am in the middle of a move and everything. So I'm going to step back for today and just post a bit of bullshit.
Everything is in chaos right now. Most everything I own is in boxes. I just moved in with my boyfriend.
My friend is moving to the area in a couple of days, so her and her husband will be staying with us for a little bit. So chaos will be getting even worse. But life is good.